Pam’s Thoughtful Spot

This past week something happened that I should be happy about but I´m not quite sure how I feel about it.

My STBExH is being transferred to San Diego and will be working as a tech at the facility where his girlfriend works.

He will be moving in with her.  In three weeks.

I know that being separated will be good for us. I guess having him at work has been an emotional crutch for me.

In any case, I’m feeling sorta melancholy about it all.

Not that I would ever take him back… I know that he and I are not meant to be spouses. I suppose it is all part of the divorce grief crap. This is just another step in the untangling of our lives.

There is a part of me that is laughing out loud though. She has a studio apartment - no kitchen. It will be the two of them, in one room, and working together. The fact that he will be miserable in his new living arrangements makes me happy. In the show “Avenue Q” there is a song about that called “Schadenfreude” (happiness at the misfortune of others).

It is my favorite song.

Not that I want him to be miserable forever - but it makes it easier for me to know that his life isn’t all hearts and flowers.   Petty of me, yes.

The suck thing about divorce is that sometimes you are alright with the situation and feel great about the fact that you get a “do over” and other times you go around thinking that your STBExH is an asshole rat bastard.

Right now, I’m in asshole rat bastard mode.

I went to the courthouse in Rancho Cucamonga yesterday to drop of the remainder of the divorce papers (Hurrah).

When you walk into the courthouse, you have to put your belongings on a scanner and walk through a metal detector.

I put my purse down and walked through the metal detector.  I was wearing my medicine pump so I was expecting the “beep”.  The lady wanded me down and let me through.

My purse came through the scanner around the same time and when I went over to pick it up, security stopped me and said that they saw an electronic device and wanted to see it.  Not wanting to be deemed a security threat, I complied and pulled out my ipod.

and then, my bluetooth headset.

next was my cell phone.

after that, my verizon wireless USB modem.

and after that, my new Asus EEE PC (2G Surf in Galactic Black)

I asked them if they wanted me to turn them all on, but they just gave me a look and told me to go about my business.

It’s going to be interesting at the airport.

I’m such a geek.

Not that he’s done anything specific but I’m about 40 minutes away from meeting a jeweler where I may sell my wedding ring set.

I know that rationally I will never wear them again and they are more of a monkey on my back than anything else - a constant reminder.   I’ve been talking of selling them and have been cool with it but now, as I’m actually about to go do it, I’m having a meltdown.

I’m so angry.  I look at the engagement ring and remember that really cool day at Disneyland where he made a big show of proposing in front of hundreds of people.  Thinking that this was the man I would spend my life with.  Right next to it is my wedding band - saying vows in front of our closest friends and family.

It all just feels like such a lie.  I could have done something else with the last 6 years.

So why am I crying?  Regret, sadness… I have no idea.

I guess it is saying goodbye to something that has died. 

This really sucks.